Birthday Blues
By Rachel Giles
Image from Rory Sullivan - Fall 2022 Issue
Now that my birthday was a little over a week ago, I finally have a reprieve from this looming cloud that tends to accumulate around the Christmas & holiday season and grow and grow until it nearly bursts on my February birthday. The rain fills my tear ducts and I’m spending so much energy holding the tears back with two arms. It’s rare I succeed, but if I do, I end up exhausted from the struggle.
Why do I do this? Why do I feel this way and what is that cloud comprised of?
Honestly, I don’t know. People have their theories: A tangible marker of the passage of time, of it slipping through your fingers; feeling like you haven’t lived up to what you wanted to by this age; having huge expectations for the perfect day, and feeling disappointed when something goes wrong; feeling unloved when someone forgets to wish you a happy birthday; dreading the attention that will inevitably befall you; regretting not drawing enough attention to your accomplishment of another year; relief from making it through another year; overwhelm from planning a special day; fear of getting old; celebrations waning in brilliance and lacking the luster they had in childhood; drama associated with past birthdays; I could go on. But even if I feel like none of these are true for me, I feel so heavy with melancholy. I may not ever know why, but I do know that my experience of the birthday blues has gotten more manageable over time as I’ve learned to prepare for them.
These aren’t foolproof, but here are some things that have helped me navigate the birthday blues and might help you, too:
Journal how you’re feeling. Express it and name the emotions, even if you don’t know why you’re having them.
Clearly communicate how you want to celebrate your birthday to those close to you, and recognize that you’re probably going to have to do most things yourself, or expect that they might not get it right.
Keep it simple. An extravagant birthday bash is fantastic, but just being surrounded by a couple of people you care about is lovely enough.
Plan in advance. Prevent feeling alone on your birthday by letting your friends and family know when you want to celebrate far in advance so they can plan accordingly. Also remind yourself that everyone is busy, and just because they don’t come, it doesn’t mean they didn’t want to.
Remind yourself of the obvious. Even if it should be obvious that people love us, even if they miss our celebration or forget to wish us a happy birthday, sometimes we just need to be intentionally reminded of that.
A lot of this comes down to managing expectations. Remind yourself that you’re not behind in life, and it’s not too late. Remind yourself that you have accomplished a lot just by making it the next year– thank yourself for being alive! Remind yourself that you are so loved by so many and you don’t need a card and balloons for that to be true.
If you have a birthday coming up and tend to get the birthday blues, this is for you. Bookmark this page for later.
Happy birthday! I’m proud of you for making it through another year. It can be hard sometimes, but you did it! And that’s something to celebrate. You are so loved– Now go and act like it!
