By Lily O’Brien

A few nights ago, as I frantically worked through my most recent studio project, an intrusive thought crossed my mind. There I was, listening to an audiobook, seam ripping and sticking myself with pins and I thought, “Am I Boring?”.  A moment later another thought crossed my mind, “Or am I bored?”. Then, much to my dismay, I thought “ Maybe I’m both. Bored and Boring...”. Since that moment, I have been utterly unable to push these thoughts from my mind. I mean, what if I am boring? How does one go about fixing their boring-ness? Is it really such a bad thing? Why do I feel this way? Am I an interesting person who is just bored in my interior life? Or am I boring because I am bored and vice versa? And from those thoughts, a hundred more thoughts, so on and so forth, until now. Now I am dissecting them. Sourcing these thoughts and challenging them… or at least trying to understand them a bit more.

My initial thought is that I am boring.

Honestly, I’ve always tended more towards introversion, which commonly perceived as being boring, dull, or non-adventurous, so it didn’t seem like such a stretch. I am comfortable with being alone and doing nothing. I am literally a librarian, which is a stereotype that while not always true, is very much true in my case. I work for hours every day performing repetitive, quiet tasks in silence. I’m comfortable with the norm… which is boring. But upon further reflection, I realized I am also far more extroverted than I give myself credit for. When I connect with people, I am unstoppably chatty and overly passionate about any and every little thing… not boring. I’ve even thought (perhaps arrogantly) about doing stand-up comedy… very not boring.

So it all comes out in the wash, doesn’t it? I am not boring, but I am also not not boring. I am… normal? 

Normalcy, especially these days, is perceived as being less than ideal. It is also a headspace I know I do not do well with. ( Do I partially blame this on the fact that I am a Capricorn? Yes, absolutely.) I’m not saying I need to be exceptional to better than everyone (  or anyone) else or that everyone needs to be better and more unique. I am just personally uncomfortable with the thought of living a neutral existence, void of extremes, emotions, and excitement. So this revelation of normalcy did not sit well. I decided to dig a little deeper.  

Maybe I was feeling this way because I myself am feeling bored. I’d have to admit, I have been feeling a little bored lately. Bored with some of my classes, bored with my art, bored with my routine. I mean, being bored can make anyone feel boring if you look around and realize there is no change or growth happening. On an entirely different, yet somehow still related note, I am about to spend the next 5 months studying and traveling in another country. Now I am hoping this experience will pull me out of being bored, but what if it doesn’t? What if I can never find something that gives me both a routine purpose and the freedom to change and grow as necessary? What if I stay eternally bored? Honestly, that thought is more frightening than any nightmare I have ever had. 

But all in all, maybe I am a little bit of both. Maybe I am bored and a little boring. But I don’t want to be. I want to be more than that. So that’s what I am going to work towards. Feeling at home with myself, my life, and the space I take up. Being sure that every moment has a purpose, intention, and bit of life behind it. I am going to actively learn and grow and be present. And maybe, just maybe, things will get a little more interesting.