Trust Falling (with yourself, others, and in life)
By Leah Tran
When you really think about it, our lives are made up of the seemingly infinite amount of choices we make. Whether it is as simple as choosing what to wear for the day or as important as deciding on which university is the best for you, these choices influence the direction our lives will take. Not only are we faced with decisions that deal with the material aspects of our lives, but we are also faced with decisions that deal with our emotions and relationships. Despite the variance in the many choices we have, they all demand something from us that we tend to struggle with: Trust. How easy is it for us to trust ourselves to make a decision? How easy is it for us to trust the way we feel and validate our emotions? How easy is it for us to trust our loved ones?
In Western society, we are constantly put in a position where we shouldn’t listen to ourselves but rather heavily rely on the possible outcomes of our decisions and what is “most likely” to happen. From the older adults that contributed to our upbringing and knowledge of what is right or wrong, to the consistent exposure to media of what our lives could look like if we made a certain choice – we have adapted to a “black and white” way of thinking that continuously is an obstacle to face in our daily lives now being our own person. It feels like being limited to only two choices, one is inevitably right and leads us to where we ideally want to be, and the other is wrong and we would be unable to “redeem ourselves.” This even extends beyond just choices, but even with our relationships, our emotions and thoughts. We easily shame ourselves for the way we feel because we think to ourselves that there is a certain way we must be instead. We can find it difficult to trust our loved ones because we see through the lens of the past and current fears. And we can certainly struggle to see how life can turn out alright for us when we are taught to be skeptics.
Trust is something I struggle with everyday, where I am always second guessing myself. Whether it's with what to wear or even how to feel in a situation, second guessing myself leads me to feel so far from myself at the end of the day. And when I am far away from myself, it’s difficult to feel safe not only around others but within myself as well. It's harder to trust my loved ones to have good intentions and to trust that I will be okay in life’s hands no matter what decision I make. This all resulted in me living my life with mistrust as my guidance and my self-doubt as my comfort. I am however gradually unlearning this black-and-white thinking and learning how to trust myself more through therapy and being vulnerable and honest with loved ones about this struggle that they also share. While going along in this journey, I have learned ways to build up the trust I not only have with myself, but with others, life, and time.
Building trust with self:
It’s incredibly hard to listen to your own voice when you have been taught to listen to the voices of others. The sooner we realize that we are the only ones that will experience the rewards and consequences of our decisions, the sooner we can make decisions that are the most aligned with us. And one thing that has helped me reflect and listen more closely to my own voice is to pose this question: Is this (choice) aligned with my values?
Of course, this asks you to reflect on what your values are, and knowing what is important to you can give you immense clarity about what you want in your life. For example, if you value stability and security, then you can assess which option would fulfill you in terms of those values. The more you make decisions that align with your values, the more you prove to yourself that you can trust yourself to make the best decisions for you.
Aside from making decisions, it can also be very hard to validate and give importance to how you feel when it’s easy to shame ourselves for how we feel. We might think to ourselves: “Why am I even upset? I shouldn’t even be upset, it shouldn’t matter to me.” This leads us to believe that our emotions are “wrong” and there is a “right” way to feel. When in reality, the way we feel is just the way we feel, and applying this sort of thinking to our emotions makes us upset at ourselves for feeling upset. Much of our human experience is our emotional experiences; our emotions communicate to us how everything that is happening around us is affecting us and is our guidance in navigating the world around us. When we fail to trust our emotions, we find ourselves lost on how we even feel about a certain matter.
Processing and validating our emotions is the first step towards letting ourselves know that we can trust ourselves and how we feel. It allows us to truly see that we can be a guiding force for ourselves.
Building trust with others:
Trusting my loved ones and friends is something I have always assumed that I was naturally able to do until I had started to address in therapy the anxiety I experience within my relationships. I had noticed my tendency to become anxious if there was distance or lack of communication between me and a loved one, leading me to convince myself that I might have done something to make them upset. My actions and choices started to reflect this anxiety I have, causing rifts within my relationships. After addressing this in therapy, I had realized that most of my anxiety stemmed from the lack of trust I had in my loved ones. I did not trust them to communicate to me if there was something wrong because of my past experience with those who failed to do so, leaving me hurt and blindsided. I built the tendency to think the “worst” of my loved ones, which led me to experience unnecessary pain and disappointment when truly nothing bad was happening.
In order to heal this tendency of mine, I started to get into the habit of assuming “the best” in my loved ones. I assumed that they were busy and/or did not have the mental and emotional capacity at the time to communicate, and will do so when they are ready because they do value me. They value me enough to want to give me their full presence. If there was truly something wrong, I can trust them to value our relationship enough to communicate with me about it, and if they chose to not communicate, then it is not a reflection of me, but rather themselves.
By assuming the best in those around you, you step away from finding comfort in the tendency to mistrust, and step into finding more peace. It opens space for more compassion and understanding not only for others but for yourself as well.
Building trust with life:
It’s easier to see our life through the lenses of mistrust. When good things happen to us, it won’t last long and we will soon be met with disappointment. When we are given what we have been wanting, we are skeptical and think it's another harsh lesson to learn. When faced with a dilemma we feel pressured by time, and when looking at our relationships, whether current or past, we see time as the enemy that causes people to grow apart.
There is no doubt that life has its mishaps, that things will turn in an unexpected way, that people will come and go, that we will be happy one day and then sad another. But I believe we have a tendency to trust that life will always turn out that way and can overlook that life will have its joyful experiences, that things will work out in the best way for you, that people will impact your life in the most amazing ways. You can trust that you will go through growing pains, but you can also trust that you will experience all the magic, love, and light of this life. It is a cycle that will always take place, no matter what decision you make at the end of the day.
If I reflect and look back on the life I created for myself so far, and think back to every decision I made (whether it's a proud or regretful one), I can see how it all was essential to bringing me to great opportunities, places, and people, despite how difficult it may have been. Even if I made a regretful decision, it still played out in the way it was meant to and taught me more than I could ever imagine. And after every decision made, comes another one to give me another opportunity to change, advance, and create more.
By recognizing that the choices any of us make does not equate to permanence, we allow ourselves to find security in the fact that we can always start again and do things differently. We can trust that life will play out in the way it's meant to.
You will find yourself content with every decision you’ve made and be proud of the way you still had the courage to trust a little.
